The difference a year can make

While most people mark their years at January 1st, today marks my own.
One year ago today my last few started over.
My life has started over many times but this one counts for something a little more.
A year ago today I was sitting in a room alone. In a hospital. Waiting for doctors to remove a piece of my brain.
Without this I would be blind today. I would have headpain worse than migraines 24/7. While I trusted my surgeon, being 24 and completely alone you cannot help but wonder what happens if you do not wake up.
To your daughetr. Where her life may lead her. To your sister and brothers.
The very last things you say to the people you love the most.
Who will fill your position at work. Who would show to your funeral. Who will replace my spot as bff. Or even mother. Especially mother. I could cry just at that thought even now, and believe me I did then.
And do not think that my family and friends are assholes that didn't care about me. My mother didn't even know about my tumor until a month prior. And I told her if she flew up for my surgery which happened to be on her birthday I would cancel it. My family and friends wanted to be there. My cousins husband drove me and then made him leave. M close friend wanted to try for emergency leave from his deployment I refused. My daughters father wanted to be there. My dad. My friends. I just didn't want to put anyone out. I woke up to my grandmother and aunt who were stubborn and come while I was out. And the things my aunt had done for me... I will never forget. The way my boss looked out for me was unreal.

But that wasn't all this year was filled with. After my surgery my cousin was engaged to the love of her life. And we planned her wedding which was eventually postponed for his deployment. To follow my baby sister started her first year of college. I watched my friend Kim get married.
In September I wished an old friend happy birthday, and he became one of my closest friends l and my roommate I dropped my daughter off to pre school. To follow a guy with a beard photoboomed a news reporter and I met a man who looked like him. I got to see my amazing friends husband come home from deployment. I went December until April on three hours sleep a night either working or driving. I reconnected with old friends. I watched the regulars I love lose someone they love. I got to see my friend come home from deployment. I mended bad blood. I mad new friends. I went to Arizona. I learned what twearking really was. I worked thanksgiving and Christmas eve, Christmas day an new years eve and the day to follow. I went to a sabres game and fell in love with mike Webber's beard. I grew incredibly found of every other Tuesday I had a hockey team come in.
I got shit done. My oh my did I get shit done.
And was sad. Lonely. Happy. Hospitalized.
But Then it all changed. I got some amazing tattoos. I pulled a few all nighters. I ka kawed my heart out with heather and will never stop. I reconnected with my old friend. Who I missed. Like crazy. And became her maid of honor. And was the first to know of her up and coming baby.
And then I met someone. Someone who had a beard who looked like a guy who photo boomed a reporter I told that the number one on my bucket list was to climb a billboard, and he tried he's damndist to get me on that billboard. And that's when I knew. He was someone I'd want in my life for always and then he saved my life. Legitimately saved my life made me jump from a burning building. And I didn't just fall in love with him, I fell in love with hi family his friends, the way he was with my daughter. The way he showed me how to follow your dreams no matter what. Which I didn't believe until the fire.
The fire that I watched everything I have burn all the hours I worked to keep a roof over my head..and that roof was now with a view.
So the moral is that I'm done being scared. Im starting up my own photography studio. I'm cherishing every second with my daughter my parents and my siblings. I'm enjoying my life. Im eating that burger. Im drinking that shot. Smoking that cigerette. Im dancinf when i feel like dancing. Cheering for the teams i want. Singing. Laughing. Working working and working. I'm about to watch my daughter start kindergarten. Missing my brother extra. I'm laughing so hard with Melissa I sometimes wonder if she's going to pee. Ill keep getting tattoos. Bartending too. And loving every second of this life I've learned I had all along.
 And I am so not sorry.

Come on ride a train

How about that title..betcha that song gets stuck in your head for days now. You're welcome.

Anywho this as usual has nothing to do with trains..well kind of I guess not really.. Pitty trains pitty parties.. How about those gems that cling on to every little thing that happens to them AND NEVER GET OVER IT.

I've come to the conclusion that some people are actually delusional enough to think that all the bs they go through only happens to them... That they are alone in the world and it is just so bad.

They real kicker is the ones who hold a grudge over being turned down. They kill me. I'm by no means a man killer but seriously men kill me. I had a guy who met me at work..we got to talking..never went anywhere. Because in my mind we were never talking like there was any interest there maybe it was because we got talking because he was "in love with his best friend" and I was coming out of a hot mess. Never once gave me any remote hint that there was any kind of interest.. And I know I didn't...because there wasn't. And I hit on his friend and told people he was my brother. So when he finally does fill me in I flat out tell him nope. thanks your sweet but I'm just not feeling you like that... He told people I broke his heart for two months to follow.
Any who fast forward to my house fire and the buffalo news announcing my new relationship with a guy who had mutual friends talked no and then whatever.
This kid would not hang out at the same place as Shawn he refuses to go to the bar I work at even when he knows I'm no there..still to this day hasnt said a word to me and overall the same for shawn. The only reason hes even in the same room is because his friends finally said get over it because its not stopping us so either sulk alone or nut up... Which naturally his response is I don't have any... Because that's been a thing from the start but god forbid anyone mentions the metaphor of having a pair.
The fire was two months ago and he is sulking in his heartbreaking experience That never happens to anyone else in the world.

If I sound harsh I am sorry I don't mean to my issue is not specifically to this one individual. My issue is that mind set that too many people have now. That poor me my life is so bad its so much worse than everyone else's. No. Just no.
Did you know that someone actually told my mother that I was better off then she was because m house burnt down.
I mean seriously. SERUOUSLY? how ignorant are you to say something so damn stupid. I don't care so much about me honest I don't. I told my mom days after the fire I felt like I won the lottery with the sentimental items that were recovered. Because I can promise you as your place is burning and your jumping out a window you do not have the time or the vision to find all those things you are sure you'll be able to grab if it happens to you.
And truth be told as the flames are blowing there is really just one item you truly want.
But to say that I am better off? Are you kidding me... Me I'll be okay I kknow that whole heartidly but I had to watch that whole place go down. Everything I busted my ass for. Working every single holiday to keep that very roof over my head..and then tell my five year old everything she ever had was gone. Tell Derek that the hours and hours of artwork he had made was gone that everything of his babies gone. This is not me feeling sorry for myself.. Its being angry.. livid that someone be has the nerve to say I'm better off.

Where I am going with all of this is just that there is a serious shortage in reality checks. Open your eyes. We all get thrown crap.
This past twelve months I have had a brain tumor removed watched my best friend get thrown the book at him for blowing a .09 my car took a shit my friend was deployed I've seen good no amazing people lose their house because of cancer. My cousin had to post pone her wedding because her fiance is being deployed. I have friends that cannot have children. My house burnt down. My cousin has a friend who had to burry her newborn baby.
This is life. These things are all tragic every single one. But they happen. And then they are over and then you have to move on. You have to. Holding on to every little thing that happens to you for way to long is stupid to be frank. This constant poor me poor me poor poor pitiful me act needs to stop. Like yesterday.
Tragedy hits us all every single day. We all fall on our butts and hit rock bottom. But that's the beauty of it. Once you hit rock bottom you get up dig your way out. And its hard. Its really really hard. But once you do it the next time it happens you know your way out again.
But stop expect the rest if the world to feel so damn sorry for you over something that happened six months ago years ago. I'm not saying its not sad but move on with your life.

well, Just sayin.

So tonight I saw my sister. For the first time in over 400 very long and very eventful days, I saw my sister. And she got out of the car as I walked up to it and jumped out and we ran up to each other with a tearful hug that consisted of her literally bending over to reach me.
It was fantastic.
Tonight I watch Jersey Boys, it was a good movie, and I promise that this actually does have a point. the movie was great, like really great. It was funny, had a good story, and a amazing closing scene.
But the guys daughter died. She just dies. He finally is a dad to her, and then she is gone.

So then I am laying in bed wide awake for whatever reason just playing things like these in my head on repeat when Mark Sloan makes his way into my head. One of his final scenes was one of grey's quotes.

"I want you to promise me something, If you love someone, you tell em. Even if you're scared it's not the right thing, even if you're scared it'll cause problems, Even if you're scare it'll burn your life to the ground, you say it. And you say it loud."

Truth be told I thinking everything is just finally really sinking into me. Since the fire it has been such and incredible eye opener. The story has been told a hundred times over by now but it stays the same. I would have never woken up. 

And that is the part that is sticking right now. 

I could have easily never woken up. 

That thought does not seem to leave my mind lately. And not in the sense that you are probably thinking, not the oh em gee i almost died crap, but the realization of how easily the would have been the end. That is where my story could have stopped. 

the last words I had spoken were it. 

The last words I had written, done. 

the last time I kissed my daughter goodnight. 

or the last time I spoke to my best friend. 

an unfinshed tattoo on my arm. 

bills left to be paid. 

the last beer I served to my favorite regular. 

That the last time I saw my sister, so long ago, would have had been the last time I saw my sister. 

There is an apartment I lived in, that at this point the most of my closet friends have lived in, and we had a neighbor that we all kind of loved. And he died today. 

It has been months since I have seen him, and he is just gone. 

and that is really crazy. It is just so amazing to me how simply we forget our days are numbered. What gift they truly are, because they are not promised. 

how we take for granted the blessing it truly is to say i love you, to kiss goodnight. to call to say hello. hold hands. laugh. to play dress up and paint our toes. to snuggle up every night. 

So i guess thats all i have really got right now. 

is to always kiss goodnight.

to go to bed laughing, never mad. 

and to say I love you, every single chance you get. 

Not one single bad word.

I am sitting here think about people. about all of the people we encounter in life. I have never actually read the book the five people you meet in Heaven but I have seen the movie, and I know enough to understand the concept. A man dies and remeets five of the people who impacted his life the greatest. I always kind of thought this would have some truth to it. But also because when I was a child Kristy Alley starred in a kids movie where she was stuck in limbo as the toothfairy, and had to watch all the people in her life on a television, and if I remember correctly, she could watch her life as she had lived it on the TV... From then on I think that I pretty much thought that was how it worked when you got upstairs, and to be honest, would like to believe that had some truth to it as well.

My point being that find people to be such an important part of life. all of them. When we are laying at the end of our rope, it is the memories with them that we hold on to. When we are in trouble, it is them that we turn to. They teach us so many lessons both good and bad that, I guess I would like to believe we get to watch them on TV when we're gone. Or that our loved ones can look down on us now and again.

I guess mostly I am just counting my blessings, because at the end of each day, no matter what, that is what I find myself doing. After having one of those good ole fashioned when it rains it pours kind of weeks that we all have, That is what I always seem to always end up doing. I have that kind of luck in life, that when something goes wrong. another thing does, and then everything just kind of explodes at once, except I do it a special kind of way that you literally could not make this crap up. Don't mistake me I am not complaining, not at all. The opposite as a matter of fact. See that is my thing, It can be bad, and I mean really bad, and I think that is a good thing for me, because it is times like these when I sit myself down and remind myself that at the end of the day I am feel like the luckiest girl in the world.
And that is because of the people I surround myself with. The amazing wonderful beautiful people that I am so unbelievably lucky to have the privilege of their presence in my life.  
I wont get into the details, of why, and I wont name names, because honestly it would just take away from the value of what I am really trying to say.
Which I guess is just that I hope that it is not just me. I hope this is normal. I hope every other person in the world has people to be thankful for. People who help them when they are too stubborn or proud to ask. People who cannot fix their problems, but they can lay next time them for awhile just to let the tears dry. People whose smile literally lights up their entire world. People who can laugh at them when they say or do something stupid, because, in an hour you'll laugh at it too.  People who can show you new things, people to tell your secrets to, people who lift you up because you want to climb a billboard, people who tell you the truth, whether you want to hear it or not, people to vent to, people to help you move. people to spend your holidays with or cover your shift. to take you home when you've had too much to drink. People who take their hard times, mix them with yours, and turn it all around into something good. People who say go take a bubble bath. People who you can count on. People who can laugh with. People who you can jump out of a closet and make them jump. People you can be completely comfortable around. People you can bicker with and not fear losing all together. People who you don't have to wear pants around, because you don't like wearing pants. People who pick you up when you fall down, or lay next to you and listen. People you can call at any hour and show up at their door when you need to. 

People to be grateful for.
People you could not imagine your life without.
People that when life throws you a curve ball, make you feel like the luckiest person alive.
I hope that everyone who has those people, never forget just how lucky they are. 

airheads. the candy i mean.

I have been told that writing is a healthy emotional outlet. In the past this has been proven to be true. I realize that this is a mix of random words that are often silly meaningless or overly blunt, but what i have come to realize is that i enjoy the freedom to say whatever I so chose, because frankly here, I just do not give a fuck, and that the people who always seem to come back for more find some form of entertainment in it, because lets be honest they simply would not waste their time otherwise.
With that said, I have lost myself in life this winter. who can remember that sweet girl who spoke her mind and never let anyone walk on her. That girl was shot. she was shot and has been in a semi retarded coma for too long.
well like zombie jesus that girl has risen.

there is nothing better then being pushed passed your breaking point to really wake up and look at your surroundings.

I cannot even begin to express how truly disgusted I am with so many people at once. where oh where to begin..... never mind. I am not going to air others not only dirty, but filthy disgusting laundry.. you know the kind of dirty socks that got sweaty and wet and sat in the trunk of your car for a month... that kind of nasty.

So I am going to hit the nail on betrayal... seems like it is just in the air these days. along with disappointment and good ole fashioned stupid.


when i was engaged, and that was called off, right away people started to tell me "i am so glad you two did not get married" and not necessarily because of the person i would have married, but because of the relationship in itself. i mean shit i had a beer with a mutual friend who was by far more his then my own and he said the same.. but not the point.. my point was that after hearing that i could not help but think..well not for nothing but this might have been an opinion you maybe could have voiced oh i dont know.. when i was planning to marry them.
Now I have come to realize that the answer to my own question is very simple... because i was a fucking moron. I would have never listened. I would have gotten defensive, probably hated the person who loved me enough to care for my best interest, and would have wanted to marry him even more just to prove them wrong..or to make a point to not let them tell me how to live my life.

WELL. like i said..i was a fucking jackass.

I am understanding this so so so much more right now.

so to the rest of the stubborn idiots out there...let me say this. get over yourself and grow the fuck up. it is one thing for random people to tell you how to live your life. It is even something for the people who make regular appearances to commentate on your choices and actions.
and those people.. sure okay.. brushing their unwanted two cents off is very understandable. because you are right those people do not know you or are being judgmental, or they are jealous, or sinply so god damn miserable with their own life they need to spectate yours.
 BUT, in this is a big but, in case you did not catch on to that capital letters... when the people whom you know truly, whole heartily, unconditionally, love you. the people who have been there for you countless times, the ones who have always had your back, the ones who stuck by your side in the best and worst times of your life. you better fucking take what they say into serious consideration. because it does not matter what their relationship to you is, mother father sister brother friend ex boss children, if those people speak up then it is time for you to listen.

because what reason does someone who always has your best interest have to steer you the wrong way? none. so shrink your over inflated head down to size and let that sink in.

we all get like this. but i can promise this... with the things I am seeing lately.. i will never act like such breed of ignorance again.