My hypocritical lessons.

It's no secret that I have a bit more life experience then others at my age. I have always joked about being the rough draft, I have found myself saying that these are the lessons I would want my sister, my brothers, my daughter or anyone  to learn from my error.

1. Don't be an ass. No really, one of the oldest lessons I have learned that I still find myself forgetting. Don't be an ass. It always ends up with trouble, trouble that can haunt you years down the road. Trouble that can hurt you years down the road. So use your damn head!

2. Make your life long friends early in life. This almost goes hand in hand with don't be an ass, but really, find your best friends, and keep them. They are needed. I moved a lot when I was a kid, and then acted like an ass, and had trouble making friends for years. Not until I was a grown up did I find my really friends. And frankly that is not on pathetic, it's lonely.

3. Do not, and I repeat DO NOT, rely on anyone! Always assume that anyone in you're life can or will be gone the next day. And I mean this in so many different ways. I mean it in the sense that tragedy will hit you eventually in life, and the people you love could be gone. I also mean it in the sense that too many times the people I thought were supposed to be apart of my life forever, weren't. And no matter which way a person leaves, you, if you believe in them enough to believe that they will always be there, well let's just say I have serious abandonment issues.

4. Never let anyone steal your sunshine. Again with the hand in hand with the previous, but it's very important.
It took me along time to figure this one out. Do not let other people influence your life enough that they have the ability to break you down.
Weather it be the people that leave in life, or an old asshole at who lives in a bar, whose greatest joy in life is making you miserable.
Find your happiness on your own, that way you are the only person who can change it.

5. Don't have sex. DONT HAVE SEX. Do NOT have sex.its not even fun,
You will get aids. And die.
Okay maybe not as drastic but you will get to a point in life where you regret it. And that's not even saying me or anyone sleeps around.
You could sleep with 6 people or 600 people. And only regret 2. Regardless, there is still regret.  So the next time you consider it, assume that you will have to spend the rest if your life with that person.. Still want to do it? And there is the whole baby thing.. And having strangers look at you funny because you have a baby, or tell you what a scumbag you are for being not being married. I'm not saying those people are right, but don't forget people are cruel. And a child is something you should never have to feel bad about. No matter hoe much you love them.

6. Which leads me to this. Kelsey is by far the only right thing I probably have done in life, but my god do it right. I know too many people, myself included that went about life the wrong way, and now there are more children in "broken homes" then not. And that's a sad thing.
Finish school. Become financially stable independently. Fall in love. Get married. Travel. Be married. Then think about having a baby.
Because too many people rush into that baby part with out even really knowing the person they are now forever tied to. I did that. And I accept  that. Do not do that. While is admit I was very lucky, things didn't work for us, but her dad is my friend. I love him very much. But that is not common at all.

7. When you are ready to date. Remember these things... Keep yourself and your standards high,
They should have a reliable car, if they are in school they better take it serious, and work part time at least. If they are not in school, then a GOOD job, maybe they don't have a career, but good enough that they can pay their own way in life. No drugs.nokids. And no jail time.
With that said, keep in mind that life happens and you will screw up so maybe they did too, so understand one or two bags of carry on but check those bags through security first!
People forget what dating is meant for, finding the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. So you shouldn't even be dating unless you are ready to find that person! And with that said when you do date be with someone who is crazy about you. Someone who is there for you when you need them, someone you can trust, someone who does not let you down. Someone your family loves, and you need to be those things for them! Dating is about marriage and marriage is about making the person you love happy because they should be doing the sane for you.
Basically figure out the person you look up to most in life, with a pedestal higher then anyone else,  if you find a person who can come close to that person.. The are probably who you should be with.

8. Do good. Be kind. Smile at a stranger because you have no idea how badly they might need it. Do not be quick to judge. And don't forget people change, not only was the devil once an angel, but I used to be a mess. People change for better or worse.

9. Forgive everyone. If not for any other reason but your own peace of mind. It doesn't matter what they did.. Make peace with it. Because back to earlier.. They might be gone.  Or just because holding on to anger like that does you no good. I am not saying that those people need to continue to be apart of your life, but make peace with everything you can.

10. What happens between person A and person B is between them. I you are A or B, don't expect C to have the same issue with them. If you are C, think long and hard before you assume you don't like A because B doesn't.
There are three sides to that story, A's  side, B's side, and the side that really happened. Don't hold another persons grudge. Because someday you might find out how very wrong they were.

11. Speaking of grudges. Don't hold them. Along with that whole it's not good for you. Just don't do it. Again I am not saying to keep people in your life who do you wrong again an again,
But believe in second chances. Maybe not thirds, but definitely seconds.

12. Family is important. Unfortunately your family will likely let you down more then others, but they may actually surprise you just the same. I have cousins that are there for me more then my own grandparents. I have an aunt who cared for me while I was sick because my mother couldn't. I grew up fist fighting my little brother, but would never let someone hurt him. I have a brother and sister who grew up on the other side of the country, whom I am still very close to. I have an uncle who I could call at 3 am, because I was afraid of a bad citation that went to far.  Family is very important. I don't care if they are your third cousin twice removed.. Love them.

13. Own it. For a very long time, I did not like myself. I was ashamed of every nit picking detail of my life. I lacked confidence, and happiness. Until one day I had reached a point I thought I could not handle it any more, to Which my roommate said to me, we all have flaws, you're a good person, so take what you are and just own it. Own up to your mistakes and learn from them. Own your flaws and embrace them. You don't like something about yourself? Fix it.

14. Care what others think about you. I know right now we live in a world filled with "be you" "don't give a dam what anyone else thinks" and all that, no. Just no. I'm sorry but we also live in an over sensitive world filled with.. Crazy.
I do not even know who to describe what I am saying but I bet you know what I am thinking. My point is that, this whole "I was born this way" phase we are in has been taken a little too far. Is it okay to be gay, if that's what your into, overweight, I mean I guess but that's just not healthy, smoke a joint, illegal yes, but once in a blue moon, if that's what your into.
Sure.
But do not act like an ass and then say I don't care what you think about me, because you should. Some people are cruel, and find pleasure in bringing others down, those are the people you are not supposed to care about, but seriously, have class, have self respect, be respectful, care what the people around you think. And if you don't like what they think about you, make sure your not acting a way to let them think that.

15. Try new things. Seriously. Do not just stick to routine, because life is all about change. Embrace it, sometimes you'll hate it, but sometimes you'll find something you truly love. You're entire life should consist of discovering yourself, because once you've stopped, you might as well be dead.

16. Life is going to constantly throw you curve balls. Swing. Swing with everything you've got. If I have learned anything about myself it is that if I can do anything, it is survive. And so can you. So always prepare yourself for the crazy that is yet to come.

17. Say you're sorry! If you did something wrong, own up to it and apologize. Try and fix it. Taking responsibility for your wrong doings is just as important as forgiving others for theirs.

18. Find you're happy place. Have a spot to yourself that you can just exist. A place to go, to inhale, exhale, and move on. A place to let go of whatever stress you have, and to figure out a way to fix it. A place to be calm. A place to be free. Use this place, whenever you need it. Just do not let it consume you in becoming a way to not deal with life.

19. Be thankful. Everyday. Life sucks sometimes, but it can be worse, and it will get better, so if you ever find yourself in the in between, and believe me you will. Be grateful. Every night before you go to sleep, thank god, thank yourself, thank the stars, for at least three good things you have in life.

20. Figure out what you want to be when you grow up. And be realistic, and if you dream big, have a back up plan. Take school seriously. It is a privilege denied to many. Try. Try hard.

21. Stand up for yourself. Sometimes your going to get yourself handed to you.
Sometimes you'll lose. But stand for who and what you believe in, and do not let people walk all over you. Don't be an ass, but don't obey someone just because they are older then you. Or paid more. But really, I cannot stress enough how much I also mean that this does not mean be rebellious or dramatic just because it's within your legal right. There is a different between things being unfair and not getting your way. Learn it.

22. Do not get into debt. Seriously. Pay your bills. Do not rely on someone else to do that for you. If you can't afford it with get a better job or learn to live with out it. If it is school or cars or another kind of debt you need in life, do not let it consume your life. It's too hard to survive in debt.

23. Make time for the people you love. Life gets busy, but do not forget to make time for the people who would make time for you. Don't be the kind of person who let's work run their whole life, or that can't make time for friends while in a relationship.  The people we spend our lives with are what it is all about, that's what we remember, that's what we crave when the relationships or jobs fall through.. Don't only want people around when you need them or when it is convenient for you. They deserve better then that.

24. Be better than yesterday. Be stronger, be smarter, be happier, be healthier, improve. Be never better.

25. Continue learning. Learn new things. Try new things. Learn from your mistakes. Strive to be a better person. Strive to make a
Good life for yourself. Help those who really need it. Do not stop learning until the day you day. 

Blow jobs are a form oaf cannibalism...technically.

Body. I just finished watched Grey's Anatomy. and if you are one of the few who still watch the very exhausted show, well then you saw it end with Kali back to dancing around in her underwear.

Good for her. She is hot. I was getting ready to go about my day, and like Dr. Torres I was too dancing around in my underwear. and I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and said...huh..is that right.

My point that I am in no way actually making is that I wish people loved themselves just a little bit more. thick or thin it is a tough world either way. I have a friend on one end who is so thin that they are called scrawny or anorexic and honestly it is hurtful, because he eats all the time,  it is just his body. I have another who will not wear shorts, or swimming because they are not comfortable in enough in her own skin..She is beautiful.

I am no better then the rest, my poor roommate can attest to the simple fact that I am my own biggest critic. But if I have learned one thing it is that will live in a world that we can never actually get it right. I think there is beauty in us all. Granted, some have to work a tiny bit harder then others..but everyone is flawed. I look at my sister and see one of the most beautiful women in the world...she takes three years to get dressed because she nit picks so bad.

I guess I just thought of someone in particular, and wished they had so much more confidence in themselves. Because I want my daughter and her peers to grow up with the kind of confidence I never dreamed of, because it is amazing what it does.

and on one last note...calling someone fat to insult them, that is just pure lazy, and frankly you lack inelegance and creativity. And remember if you are ever on the receiving end of the term thunder thighs, well you can always key their tailgate.  

I am Dying.

"Death asked Life, Why do people hate me but love you, Life replied, because I am a joyful lie, and you are such a painful truth."

These words are so true it gives me chills.

I cannot understand hate, or grudges, to be honest they are just childish to me. Everyone, and when I say everyone, I mean even small children, know that we are going to die someday, and that every single person we meet, could very well be gone the next day.

So why is it so easy for people to cling on to such resentments. We all do it. We all receive it as well. I held a resentment towards my father for a long time, and most people who have met him understand how easy task that is, but honestly if there is one thing I have learned it is how pointless that really is, because even if you have a good reason to be angry, it will only cause you more pain in the long run. My dad and grandfather were on bad terms when my grampa passed, and I saw what that did to him. Death is a painful truth because the ones left living feel guilty, about everything. Every fight, every disagreement, over something petty, or something real, every time you did not visit when you should have. We are left wondering if that person knew how we really felt about them. Sometimes that we forgave them a long time ago but were too proud to tell them.
Well, the truth is no, that person did not know that. What they knew is what you left them with. If you and another person truly just cannot get along, love them from afar. That is okay, but I am sorry, if you are holding a grudge over something completely stupid from months or even years ago, I am sorry but you deserve that guilt when that person is gone.
and again I feel the need to say, we all do it, myself included.

All grudges do is make everyone else around you uncomfortable. Especially the pointless ones. I can name two in my life. One i am the guilty one of holding a grudge I really should not be holding anymore, and one that I am being held to a grudge for something honestly completely irrelevant to not only the person holding the grudge, but at this point my own life as well.
The thought of both make me ill.  very, very ill. but back to my point.
All they really do is make everyone not involved uncomfortable. for instance...A grandmother whose one grandchild said terrible horrible things to the other grandchild, which caused hard feelings between the parents (her children) and because of how uncomfortable she just does not really say much of anything anymore. to anyone. Or a bride, who is so happy and in love, but she has to worry about her two cousins getting along as bridesmaids because they had a stupid fight months ago. And then there are the people who feel like they are being forced to take sides. That is probably the worst one, because frankly, if persons A and B cannot get along, that really has absolutely nothing to do with persons C - Z.

All I am trying to say is that we are not going to be here forever. And honestly, that is not a cop out for the old, because old age does not make you right, you are very much in the wrong sometimes too. And the young die too. I think that the most of us have felt regret when it was too late, and that is a feeling I would not wish on anyone. So say what you have to say, hash it out, but then be done with the situation, not the person. figure it out. good lord. I hope anyone who reads this can think of at least one person they should forgive. do it. And if your on the receiving end, be accepting, because the majority of the time, the reason they are not being forgiving, is that they are too proud. When it all really comes down to it, is the issue you are having, worth never having that person in your life again? So if you cannot forgive them while they are here, well, then do not miss them if they are gone tomorrow.

The BEST kind...

So I have come to learn that i am apaearntly a two ting whore. And that it is  so amusing to people in life that's it's worth one of those awkward let's hug it out situations. 

Where oh where can I begin.... 

Let me just start by saying had I been a live witness I would gladly take this rusty shopping cart and tell you exactly where to shove it. 

So because I feel like there are many men out there with this issue let me explain the difference between men and woman and that creepy dude who a stalker complex...not to mention a special kind of women it takes to basically act the same way....

A few months back I had a boyfriend, literally for like a minute. 

And oh god damn the havvock we wrecked for finding joy in each other's company. It took me a year to date again,  and to actually find a person who finally made me see past the hot damn mess before him. 

So god forbid the people who "loved" me could oh I don't know be happy for me, but no that was not the case, 

But frankly I am over that, and it is not even my point really... 

Back to my point.. When I moved out here I knew basically no one. My best friend that I had spent basically ever waking minute with left for a year and the other had a boyfriend and was infatuated.. 

So when some aquatance asked me five thousand times if I want to get coffee I thought okay.. I literally have nothing else to do tonight and to be honest I am bored. 

Big mistake.

Sweet baby superman. 

So let me explain to all the "that guy's" in this world.. Talking to you ONE time because you're a persistent little shit and then dating a guy like seriously weeks later, who was very well aware of the level of creeper you had reached with me doesn't not under any circumstance that I or any woman for that matter was "talking" to both of you at the same time. For the love of god take yourself down a notch or six. 

But what really makes me laugh probably harder then is appropriate, is that fact that while yes said guy was absolutely splendid- we dated for a shorter amount of time then children in middle school. And that grudges are still being held 6 months later. 

Here's a fun fact- get the fuck over it, and yourself for that matter. 

If you seriously have that sad of a life that you are mad at at me for for dating a boy with a sweet car.. Seek counseling because you are not only one of the most childish people in the world but frankly you just kind of need a fucking life. 

There is probably one person in this world who could be mad about it.. But even them not so much and let's be honest she's a ditch pig anyways. 

Get over it. 

For real. 

But real no really.. 

It was six months ago. 

I've had sex last longer then that "relationship" 

If he and I can be over it 

So can you. 

Because not doing soaked you weird on an even creepier level. 

AND OH! 

One fucking other thing. 

Why is he getting hugs and shit.. Indont get hugs. 

Ever hear of a double standard? 

Hide You're Love Away

iiii'm back.

There is just so much going on right now, I do not even know where to begin. That is incorrect, I know exactly where to begin, Should you have read this when I began it, you would recall and entry titled "Germany. This has almost nothing to do with Germany" upon reading, you will have found several love stories, because well, I am a sucker for the fairy tale, and they are true. In every sense, One of these stories consisted of a girl and a boy blah blah blah they fell in love got married he went to Afghanistan, not much prior to the start of this blog in general, well I am VERY excited to say that tonight, he has arrived home safely. Not only am I very happy for his wife, but would like to thank him, for doing that job, I have known him a long time, and he has always been a good person, but damn did he go and make that old diner proud.


Okay now I am back to not knowing where to begin.

I guess the easiest place to go is relationships, and frankly, I just do not want to go there right now. But then again this usually consists of places I do but do not but do want to go.

Not even my own. Honestly. I see people, know them who are going through all of these crazy relationship craziness and I wish i could just shake them and say walk away, or you will be okay to others.

It is amazing though how well they can all relate even to my own, (past & present) or maybe that is just how we function, or me alone. you take your own dilemma and relate it to either your own life situations, or they help you understand past experiences, and sometimes those things are what helps you help the people around you.

one girl worries her boyfriend will leave her, but she stays, hoping it will work itself out, one wonders what she did wrong to make him want to walk away, but she knew he did not love her all along, one wants to be happy with another, but thinks the failure is inevitable.

What I have come to learn, is that you need to trust you gut, which is in fact easier said then done, for so many reasons, first of all we so naturally cling on to a hope for something we want so badly that we wear glasses to shade away that actuality of a situation. the other reason being is that honestly I think you have to learn yourself before you are able to know what your gut is telling you, intestines are a hard language to learn after all. Not everyone can hear that voice in them. But I think it is mostly that we want something bad enough or long enough, that when the opportunity presents itself, initially all we can do is believe it is what is right.

I guess that is what has been eating away at me so much lately, my own not trusting me gut, even when I have learned how.

So i guess to everyone out there facing any kind of real dilemma, look at it from someone else point of view, really look at the situation as a whole, not just your half, and trust yourself, you can figure it out. and you will eventually get exactly to where you need to be.
and never, ever, let anyone steal your sunshine.

Jesus...literally

believe it or not..I am all about God.
HOWEVER one of my biggest pet peeves is when people go out of their way to shove THEIR beliefs down YOUR throat, and yes im being dramatic and talking about facebook...
you want to post out your ass a verse from the bible...or how strong your faith in him is
GREAT...NO SARCASM..I mean it when I saw good for you.

that is not my issue...what drives me absolutely crazy is when someone comes onto my facebook page and takes something completely unrelated and starts lecturing me about God.

FOR EXAMPLE... a picture of a frggin Superman hoodie..and if I should buy it for my daughter
turns into
"We are not superman, we need to ask God, who has more power and strength then we ever can have for what we need"

bitch I did not say i was superman...i said i liked the damn superman hoodie and thought it would be cute on my child.


I know...this sounds harsh...but this is not a first offense...this shit happens all the time..

And now I am to a point where I am not even talking about just facebook..people..I'll use the term people even though it is really one person specifically who set,and always seems to set me off..
but before you act all high and mighty and say oh shut up drama queen and delete them...
people do this in person just the same...I could say I like poptarts and she..i mean they would turn it into how I NEED more God in my life..

No.
fuck you.
...NO!

Just because I do not go shouting out MY beliefs about God to the world and try and shove it up everyones asshole DOES NOT MEAN that I need more...
it means that I have the common sense to know that not everyone has the same beliefs AND that I have enough RESPECT for people to not try to FORCE what I want on them.


So to end my rant I will say again...because lets be honest we live in a world where people are quick to jump on the "that offends me" bandwagon...
as far as facebook goes...i dont give a shit about people expressing their beliefs, that is what it is for.
What I am talking about is the equivalent to a solicitor knocking on my door and not leaving.

moral of the story....
its a fucking hoodie.
calm your hormones.
put away the megaphone.
and sit the fuck down.

you're welcome.

$1.00 divided by quarters is four.

I do not know if its the upbeat music I am listening to (mumford && sons--I will wait). Or maybe the most dope people I have talked to so far today. Possibly my pure happy that came out last night while learning I do in fact suck at all sports when sober. It could be my excitement for the events of this weekend. Or just how much I am looking forward to those ahead.
But right now, I feel infinite. 

I recently watched the movie "Silver Linings Playbook" this movie has easily become one of my favorites, and I am not talking like tweenage girls obsessing over twilight..I am talking When Harry met sally kind of great. There is so much truth in that movie that I do not know, It opened up my eyes I guess.
Sometimes we experience terrible things in our lives. And they change us in a haunting way forever.
Sometimes we are just really sad people, and we do not know how to break that.

All you can really do with this is inhale. exhale. and move on.

Sometimes you're going to feel really lonely, or unaccomplished, and that gets really sad.

Make a list. Make it filled with the little things around the house you need to pick up, then the errands you need to run, the bills that you need to pay, the things that you want to do, to buy. fill it with the places that you want to go, near and far.
Write down the experiences that  you want to have. The demons within yourself that you want to change.
write down how you should really give that distant relative a call.
write down why you should forgive someone, even if right then, you do not think that they deserve it.

now do these things, check them off, lots of them, or just one and do it every day, and you will find the sense of accomplishment you have been looking for.

and lonely? the best thing I can is a contradiction.
You don't think people give a shit or you were there or not? fall off the grid then. Leave them be..but if you end up being right, get over it. you were right,
inhale. exhale. move on.
But at the same time, what I have also learned is that I cannot stand it when people go out of there way to let other people come to them, but then when people actually do in fact reach out to them..they blow them off.
that is when you need to grab some fucking windex, clean your mirror, and take a good long long at your problem. 

"I do all this shit for other people and then I wake up empty I have nothing" Tiffany-S.L.P.
so to tiffany's of this world...you are the ones that maybe need to figure you out who you have worth to, and in that time like I said, finding out the truth, it hurts, been when you exhale.. and move on.. you find new people to fill the old gaps,
it is amazing to me, how we think those people mean so much to us, because we'd probably do anything for them. but once we move on, how easily the gaps they left us can be filled with people who actually give a damn.

and to the the other people, well windex is on sale this week at walmart.
you're welcome.

Im leaving you with one last bit, before I go out to enjoy my life today.
but before I do, I want to say that someone thought this was a quote, its not, these are my words..and I a believe them.

Lessons I've learned...
Live your life.
Love your life.
Fuck you to anyone who forgets you.
Do for you.
Love those there for you.
Be honest, be upfront .
They'll tell you if they miss you .
Kiss don't love.
Leave before you're left.
Forget before you're forgotten.
And never, ever, be that girl the admits when you miss someone.
 

Mommy..

So it is no secret that my mommy is leaving me soon.
And everyone keeps asking me what I am going to do without her and if I am super upset that she is leaving.
The truth is that my mom and I are closer then most mother daughter relationships
Just ask her boyfriend he thinks were nuts
My mom is my best friend.
And I talked tonight to someone... And I was horrible.
I was so bad growing up and I have to say how terrible I feel about that.
Fifteen year old girls are psychotic what else can I say.
But the honest answer to people is that I am only proud of my mother.
She is by far the most amazing person I have ever known in my entire life.
So I could not be anything but proud of how hard she has worked to get there she is...and in case you have not caught in she is basically a big tsc deal.
She has literally amazingly worked her way up to the top from the bottom.
She is an inspiration, and if I could be an ounce of the person she is then i have done good in life.
The truth is my mom has only sacrificed in her life, and most of that sacrifice was for me.
So to the next thousand people who ask me
Yea I am happy for her. Will I miss moly mom...duh. But as much as it will be hard for me, I want her to go... She deserves to be wonderful, because she is wonderful.

I love you mommy.
Ill miss you more then you will ever know.
But I am so happy for how happy you ar, and I am so proud of you.
Probably more then anyone else.

Fick it...wait I can say fuck here.

I read a quote once.
it said """ (<<if you are wondering why there are three quotes it is because I am pretty sure this is not word for word...but it is atleast the jist of it)

"""They say that when you cannot sleep it is because you are awake in someone else dreams."""

Well all I can really say to whomever it is dreaming of me every fucking night...shit or get of the god damn pot.
I am ficking tired.
really, really ficking tired.

I am tired of not ficking sleeping. I am tired of not going to the ficking movies. I am tired of allowing myself to let me ficking guard down for a minute and being ficking disappointed.

I own it okay...I am that psychopath who wants flowers.wants to hold hands. Wants all your hours if you have the chance. and who wants to be asked to dance.

and yes that is some serious bruno mars shit right there.
OWNED IT.
...very catchy song by the way.

so lets face it that quote is stupid...at least where I am concerned because I am very well aware of that fact that I am not on anyones mind at 2 in the morning.

and thats okay...I basically just yawned...and it all went down hill from there. so..there's that. SQUIRREL.

providing Brianna comes through for me...there will be more tonight...if not well hey ..thanks for reading kids. 

.

So what I have realized is that I am a completely psychotic hot damn mess.

And I will not lie I one hundred percent blame my vagina. I have never until today realized how fucking emotional I can be from this.

I came home tonight and my god-sent roommate instantly knew...
"whats that matter?"

I paused for a second as I opened my mouth to speak and only allowed a simply nothing to escape.

not five minutes later he tried again...
not two words leave my mouth before I am bawling little a little baby...telling him how badly I embarassed myself and that I now realize how fucking psycho I am. babbling on and on about what is wrong I make way to this poor boys bed as I continue to tell him what is the matter still crying like...I can not honestly think of a comparison it was so bad..

Finally he looks at me and says there is nothing wrong with you..your a girl...and that makes you a little out of whack sometimes...you are just out of whack...stop crying and just feel better...youll be normal again in a few days..

now I do not know which freaks me out more..that he knew or that that actually really helped.

Which brings me to my next point...that for whatever reason I am in fact crazy and emotional..and I do not know if I have always been this bad but god damn...I am so sorry to anyone who has crossed my path during a redout.

holy fuck.

I have a new found respect for the kind of men who are understanding to this because that shit really is cray.

and thank you roomie for being one of those men..both roomies...haha.

night.

St. Valentine

Oh it is finally here.
Some love it.
Some hate it.
Usually, those who have no one to share it with are the ones who hate it.

That's not fair though,
 it used to be my favorite holiday,
I think that it all really started from my dad. Ill never forget that he always sent me cards or bought me flowers, i was a total daddys girl when i was a kid.

 when you were kid you got silly cards from everyone in class
Then it was a flower from maybe a secret admirer
High school was the worst in the best way though, all never ever forget how embarrassed my senior year I was I had 14 balloons 2 dozen roses, one of those obnoxious giant teddy bears and cards
It was so silly but sweet too.

Then we grow up and start to hate it because we either don't have someone to share it with or had a bad experience on that day, maybe a painful memory surrounding it, maybe we don't want to spend money haha

But it is no secret that I am a big believer in the fairy tale, and while I can say I don't have a valentine I still love what it stands for and while I very much agree with those who say we should show that love everyday it's still that Idea of something just a little extra special
It's just nice
And I think it's still nice to believe in celebrating love
Love is always a good thing

So to the guy who hates his ex who wrecked it...don't let the past linger to the future
To the lonely girl complaining fucking religiously that shes single and has no one to spend it with...get over it it's not the end of the world
To the wife who really just misses her deployed husband.. You are all he's thinking of this very second, but you already know that
To the guy in a long distance relationship who can't wait to surprise her... It'll leave a lasting impression which is kind of the point
To the new relationships... Soak in that honeymoon phase they are the best
To the old relationshipers who may have to work tonight...showing that love any day is a gift
To my moms boyfriend... Hello bombshell (;
To the single moms..who have the best Valentines
To the two who are secretly in love with each other.. Don't be afraid, you found who makes you happy so let them make you happy
To the married couples..you found your fairy tale
To the old married couples... You give the world hope for good
To the dads who don't forget the daughters on valentines day...your the best kinds
To everyone out there

Love is a wonderful thing
And I'd be lying if I told you my love of vday hasn't been tempered with over the years
But when it all comes down to it I'm still that hopeless romantic kinda girl that loves a fairy tale and thinks that you should always love the idea of this stupid Hallmark holiday (:

Goodnight lovers.

What would I do without you <3 data-blogger-escaped-br="">

"i love it that you are the last person i want to talk to before i go to sleep at night"

You should start by knowing that on this friday night my life is consisting of a tim hortons hot coco, listening to my latest addictions as far as music goes,taking a pink bubble bath,which i now need to buy my daughter more bubbles, writing you wonderful people.
So if you do not hear from me in a while, chances are that i dropped my tablet in the tub and was electricuted, which lets face it im just a bit on the clumsy side so this is very possible,which would be really awful for my roommate to come home to find, especially since he wont be home for days.
Wow what a way to die thatd be.

What i am wondering tonight is fate.
Do you believe in fate,do you believe that things, all things happen for a reason. And we may or may not know what that reason is for a very long time, or maybe a short time, there is still reason reguardless.

Like what i mean is that some people really are meant to bee in our lives.
Like you can know someone, but barely know them. Then find yourself  going somewhere that you not only didnt  care for but actually had no intenetion of going..but you did.
And you see someone across a very crowded room and there they are like even if you would have never met them before, you were supposed to meet them eventually.

Now I did make it out of the bathtub alive sos yay for me. And now I am watching When harry Met Sally, which is basically the greatest movie of all time, but those two were meant to meet each other, they met several times for it to really stick..but as soon as they did, well you know how it goes,
As soon as you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.

I think that we all have these crazy fate stories, with people that we meet.

My best friend for instance, we have talked about how different our stories might be no if  we met another way, which we would have, there would have not been away  wround that one, but just if it happened in a different way..I wonder if we would be as close as we are..

I guess my point is that we all make choices, and those  simple choices are what unknowingly shapes our lives.

I believe in a bigger picture, I believe that we may not like how things are going in our lives, or maybe we love them, and the truth is that everything really does happen for a reason, so dont focus so hard on what you need to change or who should be in you life, because when it all comes down to it, the greatest stories of the people we love, are the ones that fate had placed them in each others arms.

So I have not written in a minute.

to be honest my mind has been racing faster than the speed of light, and I have had more on my mind that i can really say.
It has a been a rough one to say the least.

but for whatever reason, in this very moment I am happy, I am really happy. and considering the fact that I am batshit crazy 93% of the time. I am gonna run with this.

but there is a lot of random nonsense on my mind...so here goes. 

for starts I am extremely excited because I am officially going on a trip to Louisiana to watch my sister graduate, and possibly shank a bitch. But mostly to see my brother and sister.
I cannot believe they are both at the age the have boyfriends and girlfriends, I am not going to lie there is a small part of me more excited to meet Lexi && Mikey. minimal amount I promise.

The next thing is that I get to take a trip to Vermont. I get to see an old friend, and that will be nice.
But I am really excited to travel like I will be. I never got to travel like I will be.
It just makes life a little more worth living.

eventually Ill be going to Arizona, which I wont get into to much detail...but still. 

and the last one is PA, just to splash lagoon, because I want to take Kelsey so there.



In the next few weeks I am going to be celebrating a one year milestone.
while what that milestone is exactly, is far to personal for most people to know, however, what it means to me, as that priceless.
what I can and will say, is that i grew a courage I never fully had before, and have faced in this past year, troubles, lose, joy, friendships I know are forever, self respect, self confidence,  like i have never had in my life. I have bad days, that it seems like its really bad, but I have never been so happy as I have in this past year...so to the people who have been a part of that, and the people who will be there to celebrate that with me...I cannot wait to celebrate all the wonderful things in life we have to look forward to this next year and all the years to come.
were going to hideaways...btw. 

Laying in bed the other night I decided something. I am a really out there kind of person.
the kind of person that wants to climb billboards and sit under the stars for hours, and what I think is that somewhere out there is the kind of person who wants to make that climb with me,
oh and also that i secretly really want someone to sing "for the night I cant remember" to me...that person is basically my soul mate.
okay i am a fucking hopless romantic...I know that will never happen...but hey a girl can get caught up in unrealistic fantasies cant she? 

dont judge me.


hmm what else. . .
oh the super bowl....
was I the only person who REALLY wanted justin timberlake to come on when she sang single ladies?
i mean really how perfect would that have been?
it would have made up for his last trip to the superdome
the timing is right because he is finally coming back to music.
and lets face it...that would have topped all of the commercials.

okay thats really all ive got. for right now.
i honestly just missed watching people pretend to give a shit what I am thinking.


later dudes.

provelogne cheese. Dear Sarah.

So I promised a few people that I would write.

I honestly do not have too much to write about though. but there are a few things on my mind so here goes.
Sarah, this one for you dollface.


1. if he talks like a dog, dresses like a dog...bitch hes a fucking dog. so either get it in..or dont but either way... move the fuck on.

2. my mother looked in my sock drawer.
she didnt find socks.
yea that happened.


3. truth is...you shattered me. you broke me. yea. you know who you are.

4. I love my little brother more then anything. He has been a little punk that drove me crazy my entire life. But he is my punk and let me put emphasis on the word MY because I do not share him...and if you are in asshole out there reading this who I should be sharing with...im not because you sir are an asshole. you make me want to punch you...but the truth is you are missing out.

5. I have been given an opportunity to do something within bad circumstances. with that said, I will push through. However this time. I wont be a cupcake.
I have become a very cold person in the past few weeks.
I guess that is what happens when the one person you didnt think could ever hurt you does.
you become hard, but thats all right because I have been walked on my entire fucking life and refuse to allow it ever again.. so lets do this.

6. my daughter does a robert de niro impression...that shit is too funny.,

7. once upon a time, a few mistakes ago, i was in your sights, you got me alone, you founnnnd me, i guess you didnt care, i guess i liked that, and when i fell hard, you took a step back, without me, and you long gone, and I realize the blame is one me,
yea i fucking love that song.

8. yea im still dancing to it.

9.trouble trouble trouble.

10. youre welcome.

Django && the rugrats

So I watched the movie django last night.
It was a really good movie, however I sincerely hope that I am not the only person who thought it was really funny.
I mean don't get me wrong, it had its serious parts to it, I mean it was a comedy right? I don't know, racism is serious I know that, and when people are being racist then that's terrible, but I guess I saw it as making fun of what assholes people were back then (not that they are much better now, but we are at least a different kind of equal assholes)
But really though it was a good movie and if you have as a twisted sense of humor as I do then you will laugh as well.

Good lord I hope I am not the only one who laughed.


The rugrats...
What.
The.
Fuck.

Okay who did not love the show when we were kids, it was legit.

Now watching it, I understand why my mother couldn't stand it.

I mean she is a little more dramatic then I am but how was CPS not called on these people
In ten episodes these kids have been lost, kidnapped, left at the store, left alone with strangers, it's nuts.

It's almost a little twisted.

It's something that in the end is right I hope you had the time of your life

I am sitting with a friend both i us talking about past loves
How we both had that person, that one person we really really loved like in the movies kind if loved

He said he doesn't think that hell ever have that again
I said you're right we won't
As much as I'd love to go back to that mushy puppy love phase we had when we got flowers for making it a month of "dating" or having an obnoxious amount of flowers and teddy bears sent because they could not be in person for valentines day
The truth is we will never really have that again... And as nice as it may be to reminisce about..we've grown
We are old
We have kids
We have life experiences that allow us to worry about more then whether it not we graduate

They say we hold onto out first love for the rest if our lives
And for the longest time I ha thought that meant wed still love them when really it has nothing to do with them
It's the fiction like memory we share with them and only them

"It's not about who we want to spend Friday night with, but who we want to spend all day Saturday with"
My god I love this

Because it doesn't just mean life is more then a Friday night one night stand
But when we finally find someone that the next day we say I wouldn't mind spending all day with then today
And then again the next day

And to be honest sometimes we have to just give people the chance that hey for a Saturday or two i do not want to spend all day with you
But eventually that changes and we grow and that my friends is the adult rated version of our high school puppy love

Unless your lucky.. In which case refer back to my "Germany" post

So ill end with saying
For what it's worth it was worth all the while I hope you had the time of your life

That all makes sense now

Germany. this has almost nothing to do with Germany.

Hello world.
Specifically to the person(s) from Germany who read this. That fascinates me.

so on to the point of todays rant.

I went to a fairly large high school, or at least it seemed like it during my stupid long graduation. There was a few people of whom I graduated with the seriously lived the fairy tale, they have they happy ever after. And I just think, wow that so amazing.
To be completely honest I barely know two of these couples, and the one I, were not as close as we one were, but distance and life does that to everyone I believe.

One couple met when one was a freshman and the other a senior, and now we have been out of school for five years..almost six...is that right? that cant be right...oh my god that is right. I am so old.

So six years, plus the four in throughout high school. that is almost ten year.. that's amazing, and they are so happy, the just welcomed their second beautiful baby boy, and when you hear one of them talk about the other, (one was my boss for a minute there) they just light up, with every ounce of them you can see joy in their eyes.

the next couple we together throughout our senior year, got married right after, and had a baby not long after that, close to six years later they are welcoming their third child. That something I love about facebook, like I said I hardly know them at all but you you can see a glimse of their lovely home, their beutiful children, and the love that they still have for each other.

the last couple is one of my favorites, we all worked together, and he was crazy about her. she could not stand him, and he would tell everyone that he was going to marry that girl someday. they are so adorable.  they have been married for i think three years now, and they look like they are still in that honeymoon phase people talk about, today he is on his second deployment. And he was right he made her his wife, and frankly I have never seen her so happy.

you read stories like that, and I don't know
you cannot help but think wow. there really is a reason books and movies like the notebook or when harry met sally are out there...because we all have the fairy tale ending waiting for us somewhere.

i think that is a beautiful thing to be assured of.

Ohana, means family..

Hello world. I hope you had a good night. I hope that whoever you are, where ever you are, whatever you may be doing right now, your finding joy in it.

Have you ever thought about death?
I have have. not so much about how I will die, not even when.
I mean once you are gone. what kind of services will there be, who will attend, who you will be missed by, what stories will be shared.
Good lord I could only imagine some of those stories that could be shared.

Its sad to me, how a lot of times families only come together for the holidays, weddings, and funerals.
Someone in my life, whom I cherish in my life, once told me how their mother used to say if you do not love me in life, do not miss me when i am gone.

what I wonder though, who do we love in life?
I mean, me for instance, I pathetic I know, but I think that the people I love know that I love them. Sometimes I wish that they didnt know how much I loved them. I have this terrible habit of loving people with every ounce of my being. Which sounds high and mighty on this screen, but frankly, it's rather annoying.
anyways, my question is how do we know those who love us when we are here.
We live in an untrusting society filled with lies, judgments, but so often, we hold back.
I have a friend, they who means the world to me. I hear them say i love, i miss you to so many others, and they have never once said that to me.
which, because I over analyze everything in life, makes me wonder if when I die..would they be one of those people truly devastated.
and I do not mean i will have a room filled with devastation, but i think that in order to live a fulfilling life, we need other people, and those people are the ones who really have an emptiness when we are gone.

I have always had a dysfunctional family. I have had step parents, I have had dads girlfriend moms boyfriend, I have had step brothers, half siblings, family friends that are like family, my family has secrets, we have adoption, we have loss.

so if I have learned anything in life so far, its that your family is not just the people you share your blood with.

"this is my family, I found it all on my own, it's little and broken, but its good, yea, still good."

I love this quote, because in this wild ride of a life I have lived, I have created my own family.
Its filled with good friends. Some of it them really are my family, two of them we joke that out of their own dysfunction, they are long lost brothers, theres the really great couple, that even do not know it, they are the ones who live happy ever after. some of us live together. one of us has a baby, okay you guessed it that on is me, one of us had to go away for away. you think a hulk is awesome? --we have a tank.
we confide in each other with our problems, our secrets, our fears, our joys, we ask each other advice, we laugh, we drink, we fight, we love. we live through adventures together, build each other up, pick on each others funny flaws,  and my god do we laugh.
I would not trade that family of mine for anything else.

I think that is why I loved the show "friends" so much, because after my own dysfunction, I was destined to live my version of that show.
--and yes Benny, you are Joey.
Normally I realize that this blog is silly, ranges on about pointless things, but to be honest its just whats on my mind,
And for whatever reason, today this family that I have made for myself is the greatest gift I have could ever ask for.

So if you are a part of that family of mine, thank you.
and always know how deeply you are loved.

no bob. the price is wrong.

"The truth is everyone is going to hurt you, you just need to find out whose worth suffering for"
--Bob Marley.

I've heard it. You have heard it, everyone has heard that damn quote.

And believe me I am a quote person..I love them.

Mr. Marley may have been right about many things in his amazing life...but I have finally come to the realization that no, no one is worth suffering for.
I mean seriously people know you god damn worth.

I can assure you. I am not a cocky person. I am overweight, nothing to wake up to, hell my boobs used to be the only thing i had going for me, and even they have gone to hell.
But my wonderful roommate still finds a way to convince me that I am something worth something. He may be a complete bull shiter but he can at least get me to believe i am pretty.

wow. SQUIRREL!

my point prior to that is no one is really worth suffering for...because the truth is if you are suffering for someone then that means they do not value you.
you can sit there and give someone everything you have. you can do anything in your power to make them happy, bend over backwards to try to make life easier for them, you can spend hours in the mirror trying to look absolutely stunning just for them, but when they do not accept the value of how happy you make them, if they see how far you can really bend, and if they cant even take the two fucking seconds to say wow, you look really nice...then where does that leave you...suffering.

now I know anyone with a little common sense is reading that thinking okay if people are really that crappy to someone that is that persons fault for keeping them around..WRONG.

that said idiot probably reads Mr.Marley's take on things and says well i love them... they are my person worth suffering for..

take your head out of your ass.

Tuna the chicken of the sea..so is it chicken or is it tuna?

Okay so I got out of the shower today and then noticed while getting dress that my ass has a tan line
Not like a good one
There is my butt that's ghost white and then a section that is so white it's almost see through
I have no idea how on earth I acquired this tan line.

Now if I had anything remotely close to a sex life I might comprehend where this came from..maybe
If I ran around all summer in my underwear...maybe
If I was as thin as my cousin Raelene...maybe
If it was not January..maybe
No idea.

The next thing is thy i was driving to pick up my cousin and I thought holy shit I am hungry and to be honest Louie's sounded unrealistically good to me
Well I can't Chris is a vegetarian
Hmm subway sounds good too
Shit he is still vegetarian but wait they have like tuna subs
And then it hit me like a man coming home to a Burt meat loaf
Why is it okay to eat fish
They are animals to
This bothered me the whole way it still did and Chris doesn't eat tuna or fish so he makes sense but the rest of you
No.



No!
You are wrong




Zee end.

Megaera

Yea bitch
I am talking about the one from Hercules the Disney movie

That chick knew what the fuck she was doing

"Sometimes it's better to be alone that way you can't get hurt"
Damn straight. She took the words I love you seriously have a man every single ounce of herself and he picked someone else
After that she didnt give a shit about anyone, she stopped wearing her heart on her sleeve and she would have been just fine if Hercules had never shown up

Good for you you fictional character if there's a Disney princess to be like...it's her

Sleepless in buffalo

Hi.
Let me start by saying I am not drunk tonight.
So there's that. Tonight I am going without sleep, not by choice I can assure you I just don't seem to sleep anymore.

I would like to say that sleep deprivation is equally entertaining but it's probably not.

What's on my mind tonight is jobs.
Am I the only one without one?
I feel like a complete tool not having one and half of me say hey this is your chance to finish school and get your ass a degree but the. I feel like I am a bum for not working so I say okay seriously find a damn job but then I think well I have no skills where the hell am I going to work with out skills

I was talking to one of my cousins about this, it doesn't really matter which one i have like 72 so you won't ever be a or to keep track of which one but she said Bre you have skills, and she is right I do but they are nothing I have ever put to work like event planning... I promise you I could throw one hell of a party or design like invitations and such I'm great at that I really am but what do I do walk into krape Kraft and say "hey look I have no proof whatsoever but if you ask a few people in my family I am awesome at this"
No.
Just no.

So I guess what I am dying to know is if I am the only lost 24 year out there?

I'd like to say good night but that's clearly not going to happen and I really do not have anything else on my mind, I mean you would really think that I would, you'd think that was why I couldn't sleep but no I'm just laying in my bed blank unable to turn off.
I think that that's whats really keeping me up the fact that I am so annoyed with how blankly awake that I am.
Oh well there i worse things I suppose.

ONE. --are yuou there god? its me shanaynay.

hi.
i am new to this. I literally went out to the bar tonight and decided with some friends, that hey i should start a blog. I have a lot to say. I keep alot in. sometimesw i am a really funny person.
sometimes i am sad too, either way right this second i have to  pee, so i will be right back...

okay i am back.
i am glad we are there already, that we are that close this early in our relationship.
i think that you should get things like that out in the open right away because if you dont then you are fucked.. because the longer you wait the more awkward it becomes.
like me for instance.
i live with my best friend
but for the life of me i can never poop if he is home, we have been living together for while. but when i first started staying here, i was here for like three days, and finally i had to poop so bad that i went for it.

he made fun of me.
no i live here, he is deployed and i still cannot poop here.


so as i was saying, whoever the fuck is reading this, i am glad we are there in our relationship.


so tonight i found out that people think i am funny. i am not really sure why, but i said something, and then i said you know what, i want to write a blog, and the poeple i was talking to said that it would be hilarious.
maybe it will be.
maybe not a single person will ever read this.
but either way, it will consist of me either drunken/bored/lonely thoughts.
and none of them will ever be completely grammatically correct because to be honest, i do not give enough of a fuck about you yet to care what you think of my intelligence.
unless you are my extremely sexy english professor from college...i care about what you think.



all i can really to say to this start is that i hope someone on this fucking planet reads this. and if they do, i hope they read the next one...and share it with someone else.

that would be really bad ass. because to be honest i really do have a lot to say.
things i would love to bitch off about both good and bad...i have an entertaining mind i promise.


i dont really know what made me come to this conclusion, i just did. and that is my thought for the night.
also...i am drinking sailor jerry tonight and i am not really sure how i feel about it.
your welcome.

okay thats all for now. but i will be back. i dont really know who i am telling i will be back,
so until then....good night.